I have to share something that just happened, so that I don't forget, and also to remind all of you that God speaks to us. Last night I had a mini-breakdown as I was talking to Paul and confessing that sometimes I don't feel fit to be a mother. You see, I wanted to get some errands run yesterday, but by the time I got ready to go, it was Caleb's nap time. I actually got him strapped in the carseat, sat in the driver's seat, and then thought about it and decided it was too late. This happens often around here. I just can't ever seem to get ready to go. Time management has never been my strong suit. This was hard enough for me without a child, and now it seems twice as difficult. For some moms, it seems like this is second-nature. They are just able to get everything done in a timely manner. How do they do it? For me, it's so difficult. I'm not even working! And for some reason, it seems to be a bigger problem right now. I need a few more hours in the day. I'm exhausted and frustrated and mad at myself. And it just so happens that I have neglected my time with the Lord recently. Ever since we moved here, I have not been reading my Bible, praying regularly, or seeking God's face.
Anyway, I realize that if we have any more children, I need to improve on some basic skills. I feel like a failure so often when I don't get things done that I need or want to do. You may think I'm being too hard on myself, but really, I need to grow up. I'm a big girl now with big girl responsibilities. I disappoint myself. I'm capable of so much more. Paul wishes I could get myself together too. Anyway, I was talking to him about my day yesterday and just started crying. We discussed some ways that maybe I could get better at this so I can be a better mother and wife. And he assured me that I am a good mother. There is room for improvement though.
So today I decided to pick up this little devotional book that my mom gave me called "Jesus Calling," by Sarah Young. It's a book of short devotionals for each day of the year. It's based on scripture, but written in a way like Jesus is speaking to you. I thought "Well, this is a start." So I turned to April 30 and what I read was exactly what I needed. WOW! I LOVE it when that happens! Here is a portion of what spoke to me: "When some basic need is lacking-time, energy, money-consider yourself blessed. Your very lack is an opportunity to latch onto Me in unashamed dependence...Awareness of your inadequacy is a rich blessing, training you to rely wholeheartedly on Me." There was a little bit about self-sufficiency, and then the last part really hit home: "Rejoice in your insufficiency, knowing that My Power is made perfect in weakness." The scriptures included are James 1:2 and 2 Cor. 12:9.
2 Cor. 12:9-10
"But he [the Lord] said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me...For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I needed to read that today. I am so very weak and in need of Christ's power to rest on me. I want to "latch onto Jesus in unashamed dependence." Things always go better when I do. We are not made to be self-sufficient, but to have an intimate relationship with our Creator and depend on Him. I need to stop relying on myself and quit making excuses, saying "that's just the way I am." Christ lives in me and His grace is sufficient for me! I just need to take hold of the power that He supplies. Seriously, God's power is made perfect in weakness? That is great news for me! I guess that means He has room to work! And I will give Him all the glory!
I am nervous about posting this, just because I am being so transparent and laying it all out there for whomever to read. But it was quite significant for me today, and I wanted to share it to encourage others to seek the Lord and allow Him to speak to you in your time of need. Whatever you are going through, if you depend on the Lord, rather than on yourself, He will give you the power to get through it. Your weaknesses can be a good thing. Allow Him to make His power perfect in you. Isn't Jesus awesome?
5 comments:
Heath - I don't know if it helps to hear, but it took me two years to make it ANYWHERE on time! It just takes getting used to. I used to allow myself 45 minutes to get out the door when I was just by myself. Now I'm at 2-2.5 hours. It's just part of it, Heath. Caleb isn't even 1 yet. Chill out. You are doing a great job!
I can't even tell you how many times the same thing happened to me. At some point, you just have to shrug, breathe, and take the baby back in the house. It's just not worth it and there are more important things in life than missing a few appointments. It comes with the territory and you will get it soon enough! Love ya!
Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth
empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
hang out the washing and butter the bread,
sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peek-a-boo).
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
and out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
but I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t his eyes the most wonderful hue?
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.
by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton
Enjoy your little boy, the rest will fall into place!!
Heath's Mom
Thanks for the encouragement y'all. I am trying to enjoy these days because I know Caleb will grow up all too soon. However, I really need to get my act together for the sake of my family. I usually shrug things off, but I'm getting a little tired of doing that (and I think Paul's getting sick of it too). And honestly, Caleb is an easy baby...he's not the problem, it's me and the choices I've been making recently. I was a little vague in my post and just mentioned the "getting out the door" issue, which was the thing bothering me yesterday. There are other things I need to work on too. I realize we all have things to work on, nobody's perfect. But this thing just really frustrated me yesterday. (I got my errands run today though, by the way.)
My mom used to have the last portion of that poem hung in my room when I was a baby! It was a cross stitch picture of a mom rocking a baby. I don't think I had heard the first part of it though. Thanks!
heathie, heather is right. we all feel that way! hang in there and it will get better. i think a huge thing is getting a good night's sleep and waking up in time to get ready for the baby is up. now, that isn't going to happen every day. but, more often than not it really helps to set the tone for the day. i know it is fun to stay up late b/c that is "ME" time, but a good night's sleep is so worth it.
thank you for your vulnerability. we all have our struggles. i know i could spend my time to be more productive during the day.
love you!
Heather....
Getting anywhere on time is a chore with 5 kids. I always try to have everything out the night before, clothes, socks and shoes, sippy cups, bottles, diapers, whatever I need it's ready. That way I get the kids dressed and pretty much were're out the door. I think the more kids you have the more disciplined you have to be. The Lord knows your heart and hears your cries. Pray to him for your struggles.
Hugs,
Casey
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